when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
