the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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