Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
