How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
