I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
