you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
