she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
