I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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