so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
this will be a night to untag.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
