don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
