i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
