i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
