This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
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