well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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