its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
