my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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