I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
they're like a gay fantastic four
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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