I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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