2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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