She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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