So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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