Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
