I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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