im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
