Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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