Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
