life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
