her vagine was all disorganized.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
