he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
