you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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