Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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