I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
