In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
