Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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