thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
