I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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