My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
