so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
