I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
