I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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