mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
