I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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