My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
