I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
