Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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