someone threw a dead crab at me
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
