He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
