I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
