WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
