3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
